Medical Mystery: Man Gives Girlfriend Colon Cancer by Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass

Medical Mystery: Man Gives Girlfriend Colon Cancer by Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass

January 15, 2015; Anchorage, Alaska

Bridgette O'Brien, 27, became the first known case of Colon Cancer caused by second-hand smoke when she was diagnosed last week.  Bridgette claims that she dated her ex-boyfriend, Robert Chambers, for two years and the entire time he consistently blew smoke up her ass.  "At first I thought it was kind of funny," she said at a press conference, flanked by doctors. "But after a while it started to become unbelievably painful." She continued.  She said that she should have known that her long time boyfriend had a problem when he insisted that his family was Russian Royalty, he spent winters perusing ponds with frozen fish attached to his feet as skates and that he almost drown when a beaver bit a hole in his fishing boat.  "Over the years, the smoke got thicker and thicker, but I would never have guessed that his fabrications would cause me so much misery." Bridgette elaborated.

Dr. Allison Nuss of the A. Nuss Cancer Center in Ketchikan stated, "I've never seen a case as severe as Miss O'Brien's.  It's amazing that she was able to endure so much smoke being blown up her ass for such an extended period of time."  Dr. Nuss stated that her team has developed an aggressive treatment plan for Miss O'Brien, "The first thing we had to do was remove her asshole."  Upon learning of her diagnosis, Miss O'Brien sent a break up text to Mr. Chambers, effectively ridding herself of the asshole.  "With some intensive therapy, this vibrant, yet gullible, young lady should lead a long, fruitful life without an asshole." Dr. Nuss concluded.