Breaking: Wonder Bread to Sell "Joni Bread"

Breaking: Wonder Bread to Sell "Joni Bread"

January 21, 2015; Des Moines, IA

Freshman Senator, Joni Ernst (R-IA) not only delivered the Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address last night, she thoroughly impressed executives at Flower Foods,

Senator Ernst to Pair with Enormous GOP Donor to create "Joni Bread"

makers of Wonder Bread.  Executive Chairman, George Deese, stated in a meeting with the media, "Joni is not only the newest sweetheart of the Republican Party, she is a favorite of our Political Action Committee." he chuckled.  "After Joni delivered our commercial ... eh hem ... I mean, uhm ... her response, when she mentioned wearing Wonder Bread bags on her feet she became an internet sensation!  So we decided to seize this opportunity and capitalize on Ms. Ernst's new found fame by developing a limited edition 'Joni Bread'".  Mr. Deese detailed the company's plan to create the specialty product, which will be shaped like Joni's impressively huge, teased hair style.  The new product will be a white bread, completely devoid of flavor and nutritional value, just like the token female Republican Senator.   The exterior bags will be adorned with anti-slip material on the bottom so they can double as shoe covers for poor Iowa children who cannot afford slickers. 

"I am thrilled to be the new face of Wonder Bread" Joni exclaimed in a press conference from her Washington, D.C. office.  As it is against campaign finance laws for the new Senator to officially accept corporate sponsorships, she detailed her plan to donate any money received from the deal to the Koch Brother's pet charity, "Forming Unbreakable Coalitions Together - Until Surrender" (F.U.C.T - U.S.).  "The Koch brothers and Flower Foods have been so good to my campaign that it only makes sense to accentuate how they've 'F.U.C.T.-U.S.'" She concluded with that creepy, trademark glint in her eye.

According to Flower Food's press release, additional uses of the bread bag may be used for:
*  Limb shield for pig castration
*  AquaNet protector     
*  Ammunition pouch
*  Low cost condoms (only to be used after marriage)
*  Scarves for the homeless (suffocation hazard a bonus)
*  Weight loss belts for fat chicks
*  Blanket Party Clutches
*  Wall Street Swindle Purse (Koch Katchy Klutch [KKK])
*  Drug Smuggling Anus Protectors