January
1, 2015 - Keokuk, Iowa. James Cooney, a local derelict, resolved today
that he will be an even bigger burden on society in the new year. In a
text message sent from his iPhone 6, James sent the entirety of his
phone book the following message: "HNY 2 u! In 2015, I decided 2 do what
I do best, sponge off all u all. If u have an income, expect me 2
ask u 4 $ at least every 3 days. This is not a loan, it's a gift to
help me buy booze and dope. If u have a couch, I'll b living with u 4 as
long as I can b4 u threaten my life. If I borrowed $ before this
resolution, consider it gone, cause I smoked it up long ago. TY 4 ur
support in my new found lease on life-sucking resolve. I look 4ward 2
leaching off u & society 4 the next 12 months. LY. Jimmy"Mr. Cooney was promptly deluged with messages of disdain from his friends, family and drug dealers. Some of the more colorful responses included, "Jimmy, WTF dude? I haven't forgiven you for stealing my car last month. Take me out of your contacts! Mom", and, "James, this is your Parole Officer. We need to talk." When asked for a response to the backlash, James gloated, "Meh, I've been a real pain in the ass for years. Death threats and angry messages just come with the territory. I'm cool wit dat (sic)."
James (Jimmy) vowed to build his dream of complete dependance by investing heavily in cardboard and permanent markers. "I like to tailor my signs to the off ramp that I'm working. I rake in the most dough when I sport a cane, and the Army surplus jacket I picked up vacationing in South Des Moines," he chuckled. "My 'Go Fund Me' Account is also up and running so people can donate directly to my quest with their credit card." he concluded. You can find his appeal for "help" at www.GoFundMe.com/JimmyTheDrunk
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