Breaking: Wonder Bread to Sell "Joni Bread"

Breaking: Wonder Bread to Sell "Joni Bread"

January 21, 2015; Des Moines, IA

Freshman Senator, Joni Ernst (R-IA) not only delivered the Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address last night, she thoroughly impressed executives at Flower Foods,

Senator Ernst to Pair with Enormous GOP Donor to create "Joni Bread"

makers of Wonder Bread.  Executive Chairman, George Deese, stated in a meeting with the media, "Joni is not only the newest sweetheart of the Republican Party, she is a favorite of our Political Action Committee." he chuckled.  "After Joni delivered our commercial ... eh hem ... I mean, uhm ... her response, when she mentioned wearing Wonder Bread bags on her feet she became an internet sensation!  So we decided to seize this opportunity and capitalize on Ms. Ernst's new found fame by developing a limited edition 'Joni Bread'".  Mr. Deese detailed the company's plan to create the specialty product, which will be shaped like Joni's impressively huge, teased hair style.  The new product will be a white bread, completely devoid of flavor and nutritional value, just like the token female Republican Senator.   The exterior bags will be adorned with anti-slip material on the bottom so they can double as shoe covers for poor Iowa children who cannot afford slickers. 

"I am thrilled to be the new face of Wonder Bread" Joni exclaimed in a press conference from her Washington, D.C. office.  As it is against campaign finance laws for the new Senator to officially accept corporate sponsorships, she detailed her plan to donate any money received from the deal to the Koch Brother's pet charity, "Forming Unbreakable Coalitions Together - Until Surrender" (F.U.C.T - U.S.).  "The Koch brothers and Flower Foods have been so good to my campaign that it only makes sense to accentuate how they've 'F.U.C.T.-U.S.'" She concluded with that creepy, trademark glint in her eye.

According to Flower Food's press release, additional uses of the bread bag may be used for:
*  Limb shield for pig castration
*  AquaNet protector     
*  Ammunition pouch
*  Low cost condoms (only to be used after marriage)
*  Scarves for the homeless (suffocation hazard a bonus)
*  Weight loss belts for fat chicks
*  Blanket Party Clutches
*  Wall Street Swindle Purse (Koch Katchy Klutch [KKK])
*  Drug Smuggling Anus Protectors

Cutie Patootie; Not Just About Bratty Pageant Kids Anymore

Cutie Patootie; Not Just About Bratty Pageant Kids Anymore

January 19, 2015

Sun Pacific is rolling the dice that a bold marketing decision will pay off big time.  In a press release, the California based company announced their intentions of using the controversial song,
"Cutie Patootie" in their upcoming advertising campaign for their popular oranges, Cuties.

The diddy was first made famous when it premiered on the controversial show, "Toddlers and Tiaras" in 2010 by 6 year old pageant star, Eden Wood.  The original song caused great controversy when the first grader squeaked out, "Rockin' out the pageant stage and shakin' my bootie".  The updated lyrics will  now proclaim, "Rockin' out the produce isle because we're so fruity."

Songwriter and producer, Heather Ryan, said in an exclusive interview with NTMN reporters, "I am just tickled pink that my song will now be known more for delivering Vitamin C than enabling a psychotic Stage Momster to exploit her 6 year old daughter."  Ms. Ryan was, of course, referring to the infamous, Mickie Wood, of Toddlers and Tiaras and Eden's World, who was accused of manipulating her child in a desperate attempt at fame.

"I look forward to a long, healthy relationship with Sun Pacific and Cuties Oranges," Heather proclaimed with a smile. "Though I wouldn't be surprised if the Momster tried to sue me again for the rights to a song that she didn't write.  Bitch be crazy." she concluded. 

Returning Marine Surprised by New Baby & Wife's 100 lb. Weight Gain

Returning Marine Surprised by New Baby & Wife's 100 lb. Weight Gain

January 17, 2015; San Diego, CA

The past twelve months have been true life changers for Lance Corporal Steven Mathis.  Just before leaving Camp Pendalton in January, 2014 for a year long deployment, he married the love of his life, Shawna Bailey, after a whirlwind romance that started when they met at the Gentleman's Club at
which she worked.  Little could he have known how different life would be upon his return.

"When my platoon arrived back in San Diego, I planned to surprise Shawna with a visit to her job." stated Corporal Mathis.  Donning three dozen red roses and trinkets from his deployment, he was surprised to find that his new bride had taken a leave of absence from Big Earl's.  "Needless to say, I was the one surprised when I drove to our apartment and found my blushing bride had gained over 100 pounds from a pregnancy that I knew nothing about." continued the exasperated Marine.  "I mean, I'm thrilled that we have a two week old baby girl and that my wife is happy and healthy. I'm just a little overwhelmed by the news." he concluded.

Shawna spoke briefly in an exclusive interview with our reporters.  Beaming with an indescribable glow, Mrs. Mathis disclosed in private, "I'm most grateful for two things in my life: chocolate covered Twinkies and that Steven is really bad at math." 

Wedding Cakes Poisoned with Ancient Molecules

Wedding Cakes Poisoned with Ancient Molecules

January 16, 2015  - Omaha, NE 

Scientists from the Heartland Understanding Research Tribunal (H.U.R.T) found that a common ingredient used in all wedding cakes made in the United States contain an ancient ingredient linked back to the Garden of Eden.  "We were stunned when we saw the very same compound that was discovered last year in the GoE excavation site was the same as is commonly consumed at weddings." Dr. D. Vorcie of the Tribunal explained.  "What we found intriguing was that we can see the effects of Original Sin so prominently in modern society." She continued.  Dr. Vorcie went on to explain that she was originally skeptical when the Garden of Eden site was discovered last year, but once she found the same molecular structure was present in the "forbidden fruit" as is found in the popular American confection, she is now a true believer that "really bad" things happened there.  "This explains so much." said the professional researcher. "Upon consumption of Wedding Cake, one feels euphoria. Shortly after the digestion though, side effects include bitterness, financial distress and eventually ulcers and homicidal thoughts." she concluded. 

Medical Mystery: Man Gives Girlfriend Colon Cancer by Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass

Medical Mystery: Man Gives Girlfriend Colon Cancer by Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass

January 15, 2015; Anchorage, Alaska

Bridgette O'Brien, 27, became the first known case of Colon Cancer caused by second-hand smoke when she was diagnosed last week.  Bridgette claims that she dated her ex-boyfriend, Robert Chambers, for two years and the entire time he consistently blew smoke up her ass.  "At first I thought it was kind of funny," she said at a press conference, flanked by doctors. "But after a while it started to become unbelievably painful." She continued.  She said that she should have known that her long time boyfriend had a problem when he insisted that his family was Russian Royalty, he spent winters perusing ponds with frozen fish attached to his feet as skates and that he almost drown when a beaver bit a hole in his fishing boat.  "Over the years, the smoke got thicker and thicker, but I would never have guessed that his fabrications would cause me so much misery." Bridgette elaborated.

Dr. Allison Nuss of the A. Nuss Cancer Center in Ketchikan stated, "I've never seen a case as severe as Miss O'Brien's.  It's amazing that she was able to endure so much smoke being blown up her ass for such an extended period of time."  Dr. Nuss stated that her team has developed an aggressive treatment plan for Miss O'Brien, "The first thing we had to do was remove her asshole."  Upon learning of her diagnosis, Miss O'Brien sent a break up text to Mr. Chambers, effectively ridding herself of the asshole.  "With some intensive therapy, this vibrant, yet gullible, young lady should lead a long, fruitful life without an asshole." Dr. Nuss concluded.   

Woody Allen to Bill Cosby: There is Life After Rape

Woody Allen to Bill Cosby:  There is Life After Rape

January 14, 2015; New York, NY

Amazon announced today that highly controversial writer/director, Woody Allen, has been hired to head his own comedy series on their new online streaming service.  Allen, 79, is infamously known

"Allen's Woody" offering advice

for allegedly raping his adopted daughter, Dylan, when she was a child.  Additionally, Allen is also known for his marriage to another young girl he raised as his kid, Soon Yi.  By any account, the award winning director has had his fair share of bumps along the road of sexual misconduct.  So when our reporters asked Mr. Allen what advice he would give to embattled comedian, Bill Cosby, he replied, "I would tell him that there IS life after rape.  I understand how traumatic this incident is for him, but he will be able to soldier through and survive this horrible assault."

At last count, Bill Cosby, 77, has been accused of drugging and raping 35 women over the past fifty years.  His stand up tour has been derailed, classic television shows yanked from the air and most recently received a tongue lashing from the world's biggest media whore, Gloria Allred.  His life and legacy seem to have collapsed around him.  But as Mr. Allen points out, with enough money, a little time and some skilled spin doctors, there is nothing an accused rapist can't overcome.

"Traditionally, I've been drawn to the young and vulnerable," Woody said as he walked away. "I'm impressed by the ingenuity used by Bill.  I really need to get the number of his dealer.  That dude could probably hook me up with some awesome shit." he concluded.      

Pizza Man Arrested for Dealing Pot to Increase Sales

Pizza Man Arrested for Dealing Pot to Increase Sales

January 12, 2015; Mount Carmel, IL

When 33-year-old Johnnie Rupp inherited his grandmother's pizzeria, Mama Locas, in Mt. Carmel,  little did he know how much work it would be

Mark Rupp - The Pizza Pinhead

keeping the business afloat.  Just fourteen months after his inheritance, Mr. Rupp has been arrested for allegedly dealing marijuana from his grandmother's legacy.

Rupp started working at the small pizzeria as a dough roller when he was just 14 years old and was unexpectedly thrust into management upon the death of the Mrs. Norma Rupp last year. He stated that sales were down drastically and the only options he could think of to boost sales were his good looks or selling marijuana out of the back door. Within just a few days, he discovered that the marijuana sales were higher than looks alone. Rupp explained to authorities that the large sales of marijuana increased the Mama Locas traffic and customers would turn around and come back through the front door to order menu items as a result of "The Munchies".

Records indicated that Rupp's plan doubled the sales of their signature item, cinnamon sticks with cream cheese icing. Unfortunately, sales are expected to decline now that Rupp's sister has taken the reigns while he is processed through the criminal court system.

Mr. Rupp is being lodged in the Washington County jail on a felony charge of unlawful delivery of marijuana - which ironically just secured a weekly contract with Mama Locas for pizza catering to prisoners.

Toddlers & Tiaras Mom Suffering from Flesh Eating Crotch Disease?

Toddlers & Tiaras Mom Suffering from Flesh Eating Crotch Disease?


January 13, 2015-  Newport, Rhode Island

Susanna The Pageant Mama

FROM THE FILES OF, "SAY WHAT?" ...

Pageant mom, Susanna (last name withheld) is no stranger to controversy.  When she and her daughter appeared on TLC's popular show, "Toddlers and Tiaras" she stirred up plenty of drama and rivalry with other competitive stage mothers.  Since that fateful episode, two years ago, she has continued to place herself in the middle of fights, feuds and lawsuits in an attempt to stay relevant in the Reality Television world.  So it was no surprise when our editor received an anonymous e-mail with an attachment of Susanna dawning a bathing suit and a whole hairy mess "down below" (see photos).  Tawdry stories and backstabbing are the norm in the high stakes world of pageantry and Reality Television, so we initially dismissed the photos as another pageant mother trying to embarrass the washed-up reality star.  That was, until we sought comment from "Mrs. Pageanty".

Beware, the Hairy Beast

According to the elder pageant queen, she is suffering from an infection called, "Necrotizing fasciitis" which is also known as the Flesh Eating Disease, in her vaginal area.  She made the shocking announcement after we forwarded her the photos of her publicity shots, where she is standing in a bathing suit with pubic hair streaming out of her nether regions. "After I saw that photo of my crotch blown up and emphasizing the massive amount of fur poking out, I just had to set the record straight," she said.  "I am no longer allowed to shave or wax because of the infection," she elaborated.  "The fact that someone even noticed that detail in a promotional photograph proves that I am such a superstar that people try to find imperfections in my total hotness." She concluded.

Susanna is best be known for her antics on and after her appearance on Toddlers and Tiaras, including a lawsuit against media outlets who ran a gossip story about her daughter (which was provided by her publicist).  However, she most recently appeared on a short lived Bravo Television show, "Game of Crowns".  In an attempt to steal the spotlight from her six year old, Mrs. Pageanty began competing on the Mrs. Pageant Circuit and appeared on the show that focused on feuding Over-the-Hill pageant queens.  While Susanna fit in nicely to the cast of fame hungry forty-somethings, America didn't bite and the show was cancelled after one season.

Mrs. Pageanty's antics are so widely known in the pageant and entertainment industry that our editorial staff suspects that she may have been the one who sent us the photos in the first place.  We went ahead and ran the story and her statements concerning her vaginal area out of respect for quality investigative journalism.  Mrs. Pageanty concluded our interview with the question, "Do you think I can get my own Reality Television Show if I tell everyone that I have a flesh eating disease attacking my vagina?" - Maybe, Mrs. Pageanty.  Maybe.     

Soldier Has Gall To Die. Ex-Wife Tragically Can't Vacation in Mexico

Soldier Has Gall To Die. Ex-Wife Tragically Can't Vacation in Mexico

January 11, 2015 - Ankorage, AK

Sergeant Medina, a ten year veteran of the armed forces was tragically killed today in a training accident.  

Our reporters reached out to several sources close to Sergeant Medina for comment but only the military hero's Ex-Wife could be reached for comment before our deadline.  "This is a very sad day," stated Cookie Jenkins (formerly Medina). "With his death comes the end of my alimony payments.  Now I can't vacation in Mexico during these shitty Alaska winters." she concluded. 
EDITOR'S NOTE:  We really need to extend the deadlines on our stories.   

Welfare Queen Wants $15K, Promises to Turn Over a New Leaf

Welfare Queen Wants $15K, Promises to Turn Over a New Leaf

January 10, 2015; Des Moines, Iowa

Editor's note:  We wish this one was purely a satire piece ... 

She's never been married, lost custody of two of her six children, regularly sells her food stamps and owes money to everyone in her inner circle.  But this time, Angela Jones promises, things are going to be different.  In a newly posted, "Go Fund Me" appeal, Miss Jones declares that if she raises the $15,000 that she is requesting from the public, she will turn over a new leaf.

Miss Jones is the mother of six children, five girls and one boy.  While the single mom provides vivid detail regarding the dire straights in which she and her children find themselves in her public appeal (here), an anonymous source informed our reporters that the Des Moines resident has left out a few important details.

Nadia Sulliman, Worlds Most Famous Welfare Mom

"Angela spent every dime of a $70,000 car crash settlement within three weeks, just a few years ago," our source provided. "None of her babies' daddies pay child support, allowing her to get more food stamps, which she turns around and sells to family members at half of the value." she continued.  "I won't give her one red nickle because I know she'll squander it on something idiotic rather than bettering her circumstances." the source concluded.

Records indicate that Miss Jones lives in public housing, receives SSI for her ailing child, who has a full time caregiver through Medicaid, and hasn't had a job in over seven years.  But she insists that this time, things will be different.  "I determined to have as many babies as it took until I got a boy." the Iowa mother told us, "James (not his real name) is my sixth baby and when he was born with Cystic Fibrosis, I knew that God was sending me a signal." she continued through sobs.  "I know I've made mistakes in the past but honest to Heaven's this time it's going to be different.  People just have to trust me!" Angela concluded with the smile of a used car salesman.  

When asked how she felt about the comparisons people have been making between her and the infamous, "Octo-mom", Angela stated simply, "I don't have 8 arms".  While we pressed for the specifics regarding her intentions for the $15,000 windfall she is seeking through the increasingly popular crowd-source funding, she merely replied, "To start a new life."

"There are so many examples of people who need help and don't abuse the system," said a friend who is close to the situation.  "Angela gives everyone who genuinely needs help a black eye.  When I saw that she was asking for money from people on the internet I was disgusted!  I hope she gets a visit from CPS after this blatant attempt to defraud the public." she snarled.

As our reporter left the Jones' home, Angela ran out, barefooted, with a web address written on the back of an envelope to ask if we would insert the appeal for funds in our story.  We promised we would, so in case you want to donate to Miss Jones' plight, feel free to visit:  www.GoFundMe.com/AngelaJones.  But don't hold us responsible if everything doesn't go the way she promised. 

Neck Tattoo Paid for By Good Samaritan. Family Can Now Eat.

Neck Tattoo Paid for By Good Samaritan. Family Can Now Eat.

January 9, 2015 - Kansas City, KS

Scott Morgan was all smiles Thursday evening when an anonymous Good Samaritan decided to "Pay It Forward" at Irezumi Body Art in Kansas City by covering the expense of every neck tattoo inked that night.  "I've been wanting this tattoo for months and I had planned on spending my last four hundred and fifty bucks on it.  But then some dude just came in an paid for everyone's ink," Scott said.  "His gift couldn't have come at a better time either! Now I can go to the grocery store and get food for my old lady and kid instead."  He concluded.

Owner, Derek, explained, it's not actually that uncommon for pharmaceutical reps to treat his clients to free body art.  "Ever since that chick got that staff infection five years ago, we get visits from big pharma reps when they're trying to drum up business.  It's really a win/win for both our businesses."  Derek explained.

 

BREAKING: Bobby McFarren Worried!

BREAKING NEWS: Bobby McFarren Worried!

January 9, 2015

Grammy award winner, Bobby McFarren, who is best known for the world famous mega hit, "Don't Worry, Be Happy", officially announced via his twitter account that he is "Worried". 

McFarren reportedly took the money from the hit 1988 song and invested heavily in apartment complexes in Detroit.  Now that the city has been granted the right to file bankruptcy, McFarren is stuck with dozens of 20 story lemons in the heart of America's festering cesspool of despair.  "It seems as though all of my tenants are taking my advice and aren't worrying that their rent is late" he stated through Twitter.  "I may have to litigate." 

McFarren told his trusted inner circle that his troubles began upon the tragic loss of his good friend, Robin Williams [who appeared in the iconic music video] last year.  When McFarren realized that fewer and fewer people were taking the advice he doled out 27 years ago, he started questioning his own wisdom and happiness.  "George W. Bush really took a toll on Bobby," said a trusted source. "Just as he was recovering from 8 years of sorrow, we lost Robin, then the Republicans took control of the House and Senate.  Now, everything seems pretty destitute." he concluded.

Mr. McFarren was visiting his psychiatrist when we attempted to contact him for comment.   

 

Navy Seabee Develops Military Dog Glue

Navy Seabee Develops Military Dog Glue

January 7, 2015 - Coronado, CA

EA2 Markus Stevenson, a United States Navy Seabee, has developed a specialized glue that allows
the military to adhere award medals and ribbons to the animals who earn them in the line of duty.  "When dogs serve alongside their human counterparts in a war zone, they are eligible to earn the same awards," Mr. Stevenson elaborated. "During the awards ceremonies, the service animals really seemed upset when the Commanding Officer would pin medals to their chests.  That's when I decided that something needs to be done."  He continued.  

With the help of a $3.2 Million grant from the United States government, EA2 Stevenson was able to develop a glue which will permenantly adhere military awards to the chests of service animals.  "It does my heart proud to know that the furry friends we serve with can now wear their medals with the same comfort and pride that humans have when we tout around six pounds of steal." Said the decorated service member. "As soon as my next government grant comes in, I'm going to start working on a water proof glue for the dolphins that we use for Mine Detection" he concluded. 

14 Year Old Steals Police Car; Parents Sue Officer & DMPD

14 Year Old Steals Police Car; Parents Sue Officer & DMPD

January 6, 2015 - Des Moines, Iowa

Neveah Lancaster, 14

When Officer Mark Stevens responded to a report of an out of control teenager on Sunday evening, little did he realize what was in store for him that evening.  Upon arriving at the North West Des Moines home, Stevens laid witness to a teen girl screaming at her mother in the front lawn of their working class home.  In Officer Stevens' report he stated, "I immediately diffused the situation by separating the feuding family members ... and began to explain to the unruly teen that she was indeed obliged to follow the rules laid out by her mother regarding curfew and boys."  He continued, "After I calmed the girl down, I left the teen in the front yard while I went into the home to speak with the mother regarding the disturbance."  That's when things got interesting.

Instead of heeding Officer Stevens' advice to "straighten up and fly right," fourteen year old Neveah Lancaster hopped into the police officer's cruiser and went for a joyride through town.  It wasn't until the officer finished speaking with 38 year old mother, Mickie Brookes, that Mr. Stevens realized that the juvenile had stolen his vehicle.  The veteran officer promptly called in the theft and Neveah was arrested three hours later as she was trying to buy alcohol at the Oasis Liquor Store across the street from East High School.    

Mickie Brooke, Mother

Divorced mother of five, Mickie Brookes, announced today, two days after the event, via an interview with KCCI News, that she intended to sue the Des Moines Police Department and Officer Stevens for "victimizing" her teen daughter in this situation.  "My little girl is the innocent victim here," exclaimed Mickie Brookes in reference to her daughter's theft and subsequent traverse through town.  "If that police man had disciplined my little girl properly, she never would have stolen his car and we wouldn't be in this pickle."  She continued.  "Neveah's life is ruined now and I'm out a butt load of dough in legal costs and it's all their fault!  That officer really dropped the ball and I want him to pay!" Mickie concluded.

Court documents indicate that Ms. Brookes is seeking $500 Million in punitive damages for the emotional trauma caused by the Des Moines Police Department and Officer Stevens to her teen daughter. The Interim Des Moines Police Chief was not available for comment upon the deadline of this article.

Waitress Refuses Tips; Insists $2.13 An Hour Is All She's Worth

Waitress Refuses Tips; Insists $2.13 An Hour Is All She's Worth 

January 5, 2015 - Kokomo, IN

Patty McDaniels, a 26 year old waitress from Kokomo, Indiana announced today that she will no longer accept financial tips from the customers she serves at Shaky's Steaky Burgers.  "The owners of this fine establishment believe that my labor is only worth $2.13 an hour and they are much smarter and accomplished than me." Patty stated. "When I lost my job at JP Morgan during the financial melt down, this is the only job I could find.  I'm just grateful for the opportunity."  She continued.

Although Ms. McDaniels double majored at Notre Dame in Accounting and History, she insists that her Summa Cum Laude designation does not entitle her to a better wage.  "My customers work hard for their money.  If they can order an extra-large Double Peanut Butter Mocha Shake because they don't have to tip me 20% for delivering their food, then I did my job." She said with a glint in her eye. "Cramming an obnoxious amount of money into the CEO's pocket while I live out of my car and eat customer's leftovers from the trash is what I do best." She concluded.    

Mark Shermwell, a representative from Shaky's Steaky Burgers said, when we cornered him on the street, "While we don't require our servers to follow Ms. McDaniel's example, our stockholders do appreciate her creative profit enhancement strategy." Mr. Shermwell started. "Her acceptance of our policy to never offer health insurance, time off, vacation pay or even a liveable wage is what we tout as one of our greatest accomplishments.  I mean, Hell, we can't pay these slave wages in Mexico, China or India so it's truly refreshing when we can stick it to the American workforce." He concluded with a howl and a kick to our reporter's shin. 

"I won't accept monetary tips from patrons," maintained Patty, "but if anyone wants to give me tips on how to latch onto free WiFi so I can access my healthcare provider, WebMD, I will gladly accept!" She winced.

U.S. Sanctions N. Korean's Oxygen: Insists Nothing Left to Take.

United States Sanctions North Korean's Oxygen: Insists Nothing Left to Take

January 4, 2015; Washington, DC


An anonymous source within the Obama administration has confirmed that the United States has
officially "sanctioned" the oxygen
from the air in North Korea.  The move is in retaliation for the perceived computer hacking attack on entertainment giant, Sony Pictures. "President Obama is a huge fan of the movie, 'White Chicks' [a Sony Pictures production].  Whenever he and Mitch McConnell are fighting, Mr. Obama insists that one of his man-servants pop that DVD into the White House's theater.  That movie brings him such happiness that he just couldn't forgive the assailants of his joy." our source elaborated. 

Another trusted source from within the Oval Office's inner-circle informed our reporters in confidence, "We were racking our brains for something that would really hurt the leaders of that shit hole, North Korea.  It's not that easy sanctioning a festering cesspool that already has nothing." Our source asserted.  "But then we saw the protest regarding the Oscar Grant death in New York City and our wheels started turning. When I heard the 'I can't breath' catchphrase, a non-energy efficient light bulb went off in my head and I realized that we could use the same idea with North Korea!  That's when I began developing our sanction plan." He continued.

The previously Top-Secret weapon, which will be used for the mission, is an updated derivative of America's favorite jungle-clearing classic, Napalm.  The new weapon, developed by Dr. Sidney Tam has been named, "Tampalm" as an homage to both the doctor and the original weapon of mass destruction.  Instead of setting the backwards, third-world-nation ablaze, Tampalm will suck the oxygen from the air.  When pressed for an answer to how the Administration could term this aggressive action as a "Sanction" instead of an overt act of war, our source began rambling on about former President George W. Bush and the illegal war he waged in Iraq.   

"We'll return the oxygen to North Korea's air just as soon as Kim Jong Un gives up his dictatorship and agrees to appear on The Voice", said our source. As the American television show works closely with the music division of Sony, it appears that the administration not only wishes to deny the brutal leader of his title but also humiliate him at the hands of the company that is still reeling from the embarrassment created by the hacking attack.  

"I can hardly wait to see Un's face shrivel up like a raisin," added the informant. "Have you seen what happens to a person when the oxygen is sucked out of the air?  That dude's eyes are going to pop right out of his big, fat melon!" he concluded with a cackle. 

BREAKING: Most Gullible Man in America Tragically Dies After Falling Off Turnip Truck

BREAKING NEWS:  Most Gullible Man in America Tragically Dies After Falling Off Turnip Truck

January 3, 2015 - New York City, NY

A 29 year old Iowa man, Kennardo Bryant, tragically fell to his death while driving his turnip truck Saturday morning around 4:00 AM.  Mr. Bryant's common-law wife, Cindie Stoskawitz, managed to jump from the vehicle before it tumbled over the Brooklyn Bridge in the early hours of the morning.  "We was visiting the bridge that we just bought from the Internet when Kennardo lost control of the turnip truck" Ms. Stoskawitz told reporters. "I just can't believe he's gone," she continued, "everything was finally turning around for us.  We was on our way to Florida to visit our Timeshare and set up a new Amway business."

Relatives confirmed that Bryant was awarded the designation of America's Most Gullible Man in 2008 by Bernie Madoff Investment Securities, LLC.  "I've never seen Kennardo as happy as the day Mr. Madoff presented him with that six foot check for Seventy Zillion Dollars" Mr. Bryant's younger brother, Ricardo, sniffled. "Kennardo really struggled after that talent scout promised to make him a star in the Adult Entertainment Industry.  He really seemed to be getting his act together lately." The younger Bryant concluded.

Services for Mr. Bryant are pending as his family awaits payment from his Globe Life Insurance Policy.      

First Baby of 2015 Named Mountain Dew; Scores Endorsement Deal

First Baby of 2015 Named Mountain Dew; Scores Endorsement Deal

January 2, 2015 - Ashland, KY.

Single mother of two, Chastity Manfield, welcomed the newest addition to her growing family at

12:00:07 AM on January 1, 2015 which officially made the bundle of joy the first baby born in the United States in the New Year.  Moments after the doctor informed the proud mother that she delivered a girl, Chastity announced her intention to name the bundle of joy, "Mountain Dew" in an effort to garner national attention and endorsements.

When asked about the unusual decision to name her child after the sugary beverage, Miss Manfield said, "Billy Bob and me was watching my favorite show, 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' one night when a commercial come on for another program about a lady who shot six babies out of her bajingo at once and got her own reality show.  That's when I realized that I was carrying a gold mine around in my belly."  She went on to explain that the couple began contacting their favorite corporations to pitch the idea of naming their newborn after one of their products, should they be the first to deliver in the New Year.

"We was gonna name a boy, "Jack Daniels"" added new father, Billy Bob Chappel, "But when I saw the baby was missin' a stick shift, I knew that we had ta go with "Mountain Dew"." 

Sources confirmed a contract between Pepsico, Inc. and the doting parents and provided our reporter with a few of the intricate details of the verbose agreement.  The new parents are now contractually bound to legally name their offspring "Mountain Dew(R) Manfield", mix the child's baby formula with their high sugar product (in place of water), and attend NASCAR events with the JR Nation Racing Crew.  While Pepsico representatives declined to comment, Chastity droned on for three hours about how excited she was that she'd have the opportunity to meet NASCAR driver, Dale Earnhart, Jr.

Though our sources were unable to ascertain the monetary value of the 18-year contract, the nursing staff confirmed that a pallet of Mountain Dew was delivered to Labor and Delivery department of King's Daughter Medical Center in Ashland.  Local dentist and pageant enthusiast, Dr. Christina Webb, expressed her concern about the revelation that Mountain Dew products will play an even bigger role in the small town.  "The most purchased item by people who receive SNAP [food stamp] benefits in our area is Mountain Dew." Dr. Webb stated.  "I see the results of these bad shopping decisions every day in my practice.  Glorifying this product by exploiting an innocent child churns my stomach." She concluded.   

When pressed for a response to Dr. Webb's criticism, Miss Manfield stated, "Mountain Dew played an important part in my pregnancy.  Why shouldn't me and Billy Bob bring some of that Dew Dough to the Holler?".  Chastity emphatically denied that the move was an attempt to exploit the newest member of her family and stated simply, "If we're lucky, this could be the first step in gettin' our own reality show, like the Boo Boo's.  That was a storybook ending for them folks.  What's wrong with wantin' the same for my family?"  She concluded, "I chugged a whole bottle of Caster Oil and did jumping jacks all day to make sure Mountain Dew was born First in '15.  She owes me."

Local scumbag resolves to be a bigger burden on society in 2015

January 1, 2015 - Keokuk, Iowa.  James Cooney, a local derelict, resolved today that he will be an even bigger burden on society in the new year.  In a text message sent from his iPhone 6, James sent the entirety of his phone book the following message: "HNY 2 u! In 2015, I decided 2 do what I do best, sponge off all u all. If u have an income, expect me 2 ask u 4 $ at least every 3 days.  This is not a loan, it's a gift to help me buy booze and dope. If u have a couch, I'll b living with u 4 as long as I can b4 u threaten my life. If I borrowed $ before this resolution, consider it gone, cause I smoked it up long ago. TY 4 ur support in my new found lease on life-sucking resolve. I look 4ward 2 leaching off u & society 4 the next 12 months. LY. Jimmy"

Mr. Cooney was promptly deluged with messages of disdain from his friends, family and drug dealers.  Some of the more colorful responses included, "Jimmy, WTF dude? I haven't forgiven you for stealing my car last month. Take me out of your contacts! Mom", and, "James, this is your Parole Officer. We need to talk."   When asked for a response to the backlash, James gloated, "Meh, I've been a real pain in the ass for years.  Death threats and angry messages just come with the territory. I'm cool wit dat (sic)." 

James (Jimmy) vowed to build his dream of complete dependance by investing heavily in cardboard and permanent markers. "I like to tailor my signs to the off ramp that I'm working.  I rake in the most dough when I sport a cane, and the Army surplus jacket I picked up vacationing in South Des Moines," he chuckled.  "My 'Go Fund Me' Account is also up and running so people can donate directly to my quest with their credit card." he concluded.  You can find his appeal for "help" at www.GoFundMe.com/JimmyTheDrunk

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