*BREAKING NEWS* Malania Trump Bra, Panty & Eyewear at K-Mart

In yet another stunning move by the new Trump administration, First Lady, Malania Trump's spokesperson, Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, confirmed rumors that Sears holdings will begin carrying a Malania Trump Bra, Panty and Eyewear product line beginning in Spring 2017.

This announcement comes on the heals of Nordrstrom's announcement that they will no longer carry products bearing the first daughter, Ivanka Trump's, name.  "This is totally just a coincidence," insisted Walkoff., "as we have been positioning to get a clothing line with Sears for a solid nine months." She concluded.

Sears Holdings will begin carrying matching bra and panty sets for sizes Toddler to Women's Size 28in their K-Mart stores nationwide as they release their Spring 2017 collections.  Each collection will be paired with what has been termed "Hot Glasses" eyewear.  This unique product is designed to make "unattractive" mates appear to have the physical attributes of a Chippendale's dancer.

In an abbreviated press conference by Mrs. Trump, she stated, "You put glasses on and you are look at the Tatum Channings".  She continued, "These are proven product. How else you think I conceive baby with Tiny Hands Donnie?"  Mrs. Trump's new line will be called, "When your boobies go low, we make them high" and will be available at K-Mart for $24.99 and up.

Breaking: Wonder Bread to Sell "Joni Bread"

Breaking: Wonder Bread to Sell "Joni Bread"

January 21, 2015; Des Moines, IA

Freshman Senator, Joni Ernst (R-IA) not only delivered the Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address last night, she thoroughly impressed executives at Flower Foods,

Senator Ernst to Pair with Enormous GOP Donor to create "Joni Bread"

makers of Wonder Bread.  Executive Chairman, George Deese, stated in a meeting with the media, "Joni is not only the newest sweetheart of the Republican Party, she is a favorite of our Political Action Committee." he chuckled.  "After Joni delivered our commercial ... eh hem ... I mean, uhm ... her response, when she mentioned wearing Wonder Bread bags on her feet she became an internet sensation!  So we decided to seize this opportunity and capitalize on Ms. Ernst's new found fame by developing a limited edition 'Joni Bread'".  Mr. Deese detailed the company's plan to create the specialty product, which will be shaped like Joni's impressively huge, teased hair style.  The new product will be a white bread, completely devoid of flavor and nutritional value, just like the token female Republican Senator.   The exterior bags will be adorned with anti-slip material on the bottom so they can double as shoe covers for poor Iowa children who cannot afford slickers. 

"I am thrilled to be the new face of Wonder Bread" Joni exclaimed in a press conference from her Washington, D.C. office.  As it is against campaign finance laws for the new Senator to officially accept corporate sponsorships, she detailed her plan to donate any money received from the deal to the Koch Brother's pet charity, "Forming Unbreakable Coalitions Together - Until Surrender" (F.U.C.T - U.S.).  "The Koch brothers and Flower Foods have been so good to my campaign that it only makes sense to accentuate how they've 'F.U.C.T.-U.S.'" She concluded with that creepy, trademark glint in her eye.

According to Flower Food's press release, additional uses of the bread bag may be used for:
*  Limb shield for pig castration
*  AquaNet protector     
*  Ammunition pouch
*  Low cost condoms (only to be used after marriage)
*  Scarves for the homeless (suffocation hazard a bonus)
*  Weight loss belts for fat chicks
*  Blanket Party Clutches
*  Wall Street Swindle Purse (Koch Katchy Klutch [KKK])
*  Drug Smuggling Anus Protectors

Cutie Patootie; Not Just About Bratty Pageant Kids Anymore

Cutie Patootie; Not Just About Bratty Pageant Kids Anymore

January 19, 2015

Sun Pacific is rolling the dice that a bold marketing decision will pay off big time.  In a press release, the California based company announced their intentions of using the controversial song,
"Cutie Patootie" in their upcoming advertising campaign for their popular oranges, Cuties.

The diddy was first made famous when it premiered on the controversial show, "Toddlers and Tiaras" in 2010 by 6 year old pageant star, Eden Wood.  The original song caused great controversy when the first grader squeaked out, "Rockin' out the pageant stage and shakin' my bootie".  The updated lyrics will  now proclaim, "Rockin' out the produce isle because we're so fruity."

Songwriter and producer, Heather Ryan, said in an exclusive interview with NTMN reporters, "I am just tickled pink that my song will now be known more for delivering Vitamin C than enabling a psychotic Stage Momster to exploit her 6 year old daughter."  Ms. Ryan was, of course, referring to the infamous, Mickie Wood, of Toddlers and Tiaras and Eden's World, who was accused of manipulating her child in a desperate attempt at fame.

"I look forward to a long, healthy relationship with Sun Pacific and Cuties Oranges," Heather proclaimed with a smile. "Though I wouldn't be surprised if the Momster tried to sue me again for the rights to a song that she didn't write.  Bitch be crazy." she concluded. 

Returning Marine Surprised by New Baby & Wife's 100 lb. Weight Gain

Returning Marine Surprised by New Baby & Wife's 100 lb. Weight Gain

January 17, 2015; San Diego, CA

The past twelve months have been true life changers for Lance Corporal Steven Mathis.  Just before leaving Camp Pendalton in January, 2014 for a year long deployment, he married the love of his life, Shawna Bailey, after a whirlwind romance that started when they met at the Gentleman's Club at
which she worked.  Little could he have known how different life would be upon his return.

"When my platoon arrived back in San Diego, I planned to surprise Shawna with a visit to her job." stated Corporal Mathis.  Donning three dozen red roses and trinkets from his deployment, he was surprised to find that his new bride had taken a leave of absence from Big Earl's.  "Needless to say, I was the one surprised when I drove to our apartment and found my blushing bride had gained over 100 pounds from a pregnancy that I knew nothing about." continued the exasperated Marine.  "I mean, I'm thrilled that we have a two week old baby girl and that my wife is happy and healthy. I'm just a little overwhelmed by the news." he concluded.

Shawna spoke briefly in an exclusive interview with our reporters.  Beaming with an indescribable glow, Mrs. Mathis disclosed in private, "I'm most grateful for two things in my life: chocolate covered Twinkies and that Steven is really bad at math." 

Wedding Cakes Poisoned with Ancient Molecules

Wedding Cakes Poisoned with Ancient Molecules

January 16, 2015  - Omaha, NE 

Scientists from the Heartland Understanding Research Tribunal (H.U.R.T) found that a common ingredient used in all wedding cakes made in the United States contain an ancient ingredient linked back to the Garden of Eden.  "We were stunned when we saw the very same compound that was discovered last year in the GoE excavation site was the same as is commonly consumed at weddings." Dr. D. Vorcie of the Tribunal explained.  "What we found intriguing was that we can see the effects of Original Sin so prominently in modern society." She continued.  Dr. Vorcie went on to explain that she was originally skeptical when the Garden of Eden site was discovered last year, but once she found the same molecular structure was present in the "forbidden fruit" as is found in the popular American confection, she is now a true believer that "really bad" things happened there.  "This explains so much." said the professional researcher. "Upon consumption of Wedding Cake, one feels euphoria. Shortly after the digestion though, side effects include bitterness, financial distress and eventually ulcers and homicidal thoughts." she concluded. 

Medical Mystery: Man Gives Girlfriend Colon Cancer by Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass

Medical Mystery: Man Gives Girlfriend Colon Cancer by Blowing Smoke Up Her Ass

January 15, 2015; Anchorage, Alaska

Bridgette O'Brien, 27, became the first known case of Colon Cancer caused by second-hand smoke when she was diagnosed last week.  Bridgette claims that she dated her ex-boyfriend, Robert Chambers, for two years and the entire time he consistently blew smoke up her ass.  "At first I thought it was kind of funny," she said at a press conference, flanked by doctors. "But after a while it started to become unbelievably painful." She continued.  She said that she should have known that her long time boyfriend had a problem when he insisted that his family was Russian Royalty, he spent winters perusing ponds with frozen fish attached to his feet as skates and that he almost drown when a beaver bit a hole in his fishing boat.  "Over the years, the smoke got thicker and thicker, but I would never have guessed that his fabrications would cause me so much misery." Bridgette elaborated.

Dr. Allison Nuss of the A. Nuss Cancer Center in Ketchikan stated, "I've never seen a case as severe as Miss O'Brien's.  It's amazing that she was able to endure so much smoke being blown up her ass for such an extended period of time."  Dr. Nuss stated that her team has developed an aggressive treatment plan for Miss O'Brien, "The first thing we had to do was remove her asshole."  Upon learning of her diagnosis, Miss O'Brien sent a break up text to Mr. Chambers, effectively ridding herself of the asshole.  "With some intensive therapy, this vibrant, yet gullible, young lady should lead a long, fruitful life without an asshole." Dr. Nuss concluded.   

Woody Allen to Bill Cosby: There is Life After Rape

Woody Allen to Bill Cosby:  There is Life After Rape

January 14, 2015; New York, NY

Amazon announced today that highly controversial writer/director, Woody Allen, has been hired to head his own comedy series on their new online streaming service.  Allen, 79, is infamously known

"Allen's Woody" offering advice

for allegedly raping his adopted daughter, Dylan, when she was a child.  Additionally, Allen is also known for his marriage to another young girl he raised as his kid, Soon Yi.  By any account, the award winning director has had his fair share of bumps along the road of sexual misconduct.  So when our reporters asked Mr. Allen what advice he would give to embattled comedian, Bill Cosby, he replied, "I would tell him that there IS life after rape.  I understand how traumatic this incident is for him, but he will be able to soldier through and survive this horrible assault."

At last count, Bill Cosby, 77, has been accused of drugging and raping 35 women over the past fifty years.  His stand up tour has been derailed, classic television shows yanked from the air and most recently received a tongue lashing from the world's biggest media whore, Gloria Allred.  His life and legacy seem to have collapsed around him.  But as Mr. Allen points out, with enough money, a little time and some skilled spin doctors, there is nothing an accused rapist can't overcome.

"Traditionally, I've been drawn to the young and vulnerable," Woody said as he walked away. "I'm impressed by the ingenuity used by Bill.  I really need to get the number of his dealer.  That dude could probably hook me up with some awesome shit." he concluded.