U.S. Sanctions N. Korean's Oxygen: Insists Nothing Left to Take.

United States Sanctions North Korean's Oxygen: Insists Nothing Left to Take

January 4, 2015; Washington, DC


An anonymous source within the Obama administration has confirmed that the United States has
officially "sanctioned" the oxygen
from the air in North Korea.  The move is in retaliation for the perceived computer hacking attack on entertainment giant, Sony Pictures. "President Obama is a huge fan of the movie, 'White Chicks' [a Sony Pictures production].  Whenever he and Mitch McConnell are fighting, Mr. Obama insists that one of his man-servants pop that DVD into the White House's theater.  That movie brings him such happiness that he just couldn't forgive the assailants of his joy." our source elaborated. 

Another trusted source from within the Oval Office's inner-circle informed our reporters in confidence, "We were racking our brains for something that would really hurt the leaders of that shit hole, North Korea.  It's not that easy sanctioning a festering cesspool that already has nothing." Our source asserted.  "But then we saw the protest regarding the Oscar Grant death in New York City and our wheels started turning. When I heard the 'I can't breath' catchphrase, a non-energy efficient light bulb went off in my head and I realized that we could use the same idea with North Korea!  That's when I began developing our sanction plan." He continued.

The previously Top-Secret weapon, which will be used for the mission, is an updated derivative of America's favorite jungle-clearing classic, Napalm.  The new weapon, developed by Dr. Sidney Tam has been named, "Tampalm" as an homage to both the doctor and the original weapon of mass destruction.  Instead of setting the backwards, third-world-nation ablaze, Tampalm will suck the oxygen from the air.  When pressed for an answer to how the Administration could term this aggressive action as a "Sanction" instead of an overt act of war, our source began rambling on about former President George W. Bush and the illegal war he waged in Iraq.   

"We'll return the oxygen to North Korea's air just as soon as Kim Jong Un gives up his dictatorship and agrees to appear on The Voice", said our source. As the American television show works closely with the music division of Sony, it appears that the administration not only wishes to deny the brutal leader of his title but also humiliate him at the hands of the company that is still reeling from the embarrassment created by the hacking attack.  

"I can hardly wait to see Un's face shrivel up like a raisin," added the informant. "Have you seen what happens to a person when the oxygen is sucked out of the air?  That dude's eyes are going to pop right out of his big, fat melon!" he concluded with a cackle.